"Best Friends"

I'm starting to HATE the term 'best friends.' Everytime I start to call someone my best friend, they end up hurting me. Its funny how the ones that I bring closest to my heart end up damaging it. I put all my trust into them to not hurt it and they do the complete opposite. I don't understand what I do for them to do that to me.

"Why want somebody that doens't want you back?"

Because the love that you have for that person, or that you claim, doesn't just turn off because they tell you they don't want you anymore. And what if they come crying to you, what are you going to do? Just leave them hanging? Or are you going to comfort them? Thats how I felt about you. I knew that you didn't want me but I still was there for you. Even though every girl you would talk about was like a sharp pain hitting my heart. I still suck up my tears and heartache, and still worked my ass off to try and be there for you.

"I don't need anybody."
Okay, gotcha. You don't need anybody. Cause you're you. I'm sorry if expressing my thoughts to you was such a crime. I'm sorry for pissing you off all the time. I'm sorry for being such a bad friend I guess.

Blank.

'She moves like sea breeze, swirling around me. Soft like a whisper, she's calling her to me.'

Today: 010710, Cromwells w/ Ihi.
We both have been going through a hard time lately. & I felt that we needed a get away, a girls day. We decided to go to Cromwells. Let me tell 'ya, it was the best. We jumped the wall 4 times. The last time, we told ourselves that we would just let everything go. When I jumped, for that spilt second, where it was just me in the air, I didn't think anything. I just felt f r e e. I felt that nothing in the world could bother me. All my troubles were left on that wall. Then that's when I felt the water catch me. I felt the cold sweetness of the water brushed against my skin. I felt my legs stretch to feel the sand between my toes, my arms spread out. I felt my body push up against the floor of the ocean and reach up to receive air. That's when reality came back. I wish that I could feel that moment for a longer period of time. I wish I could go to Cromwells everyday, to reassure me that happiness can really be felt in the ocean.

Reminisce.

I swear, I'm so bipolar. I took a stroll down memory lane and went through all the things that I wrote before. And I came upon the message between Kawena & I. It kept on saying how you appreciate me being there for you, and you wish that you could be there for me too. And how you will always be my best friend/brother. 'He wants you to believe him that you will never be replaced and you are a really good friend. he really does care for you.' Wow, I won't lie. That STILL brings me to tears. I remember that phone call. The one where both of us where crying our eyes out. I read to you one of the passages I wrote, and right there and then you were balling. I won't forget the words you would tell me. I didn't want to talk, my heart couldn't handle it. But, you wouldn't let me leave. You would tell me, 'no, we're going to get through this. We have too, we always do.' The reassured me that you wanted to be there for me.

I don't know what else to do. I think I have to trust you that you will always be there for me. To trust you that even though you don't say it anymore, or act like it, you're still my best friend.

Realization.

I've come to a point in my life where I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think. Its kind of like I'm just sitting and watching my life pass by me. I don't know if its because basketball has been taking up my time, but its weird for me to just watch and not take part in my life anymore.

These past couple of weeks have been really good. I felt that I was connecting with my best friend again. I felt that I was still the one you would want to talk to you at night. Granted, I probably may not be your best friend anymore but it was something and I couldn't complain about. Because of what happened between us, I've been trying to not depend on you so much. To not depend on a phone call every night. To not depend on someone being there to listen to me, talking about my day. To not depend on someone being there to sing with me. But, these couple of weeks have started to make me dependable again. To depend on you to be there for me. To depend on that phone call or maybe, just maybe, a text message.

I know this probably sounds childlish and stupid but I don't know how else I feel. I'm sorry if you think that I'm a vulnerable little girl. But, I want my best friend back. The old you back.

Alike.

You're Bella.
I'm Jacob.

As I was watching New Moon, I've come to those two conclusions above. Bella breaks up with Edward, and who's there to pick up the pieces? Jacob.

You broke up with her, and who's there to pick up the pieces? Me.

Yet Jacob fell for Bella like I fell for you.

Its ironic.

I told you so.

I told you she would hurt you like this. And the best part about this all is that I warned her not to do this. & what she do? The exact opposite. Everybody knew that she couldn't love like I do. Everybody walks out on you. & who's the only one that sticks around and is actually there for you?

Right, the one you don't choose.

Smooth.