I'll never be good enough.

Fuck it, whatever. I'm tired of love. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of hoping that I would be that 'special girl' to somebody. I'm tired of telling myself that the one guy will come my way, I just have to be patient. Bullshit. I'm tired of people telling me that I have to wait for love to find me. I don't want to wait anymore.I've been hurt so much, I lost count. I used to wait for 11:11 and wish for love. Well, I know that you can't wish for love because it won't come true. No matter how many times I wish or how hard I hope, it'll never come true. Before, I would pray to God that he bring me somebody my way, that will love me unconditionally. I don't pray for that anymore. I pray that God leads me unto the path he wants me to go.I have friends that would come to me for love advice. Don't get me wrong, I love helping them out. But, I don't know what to tell them. I, honestly, don't. I just picture myself in that person's shoes and see how I would feel.I have to admit, I'm not the type of girl that guys would wait in line to talk too. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve a guy to make me smile like no other. I don't deserve a guy to make me feel the way I should. I don't deserve a guy to look at me the way other people do. I don't deserve a guy to make me his girl. I don't deserve shit. I guess all these other girls deserve it. Because they got it.I'm not looking, I'm not trying, I'm not doing jackshit.

I'm just me-

Before, I used to try and be like other girls because guys would like them. I would look at a certain girl and try to act like them so hopefully a guy would come my way. I've started to have confidence in myself and realize that I didn't need to be anybody else but myself. I would have tendencies to copy, but I stop myself and think; If they don't like who I am, they can deal with it. I'm going to be me with or without you. I would like you to like me, but if you don't who's going to stop you. I'm Ashley Ku'uleialoha Kupau, I'm just me (:

Church 061409

"Your name matters to Him. You're somebody to God. He loves you. He not only loves you, he likes you. He loves to be with you. When people tell you that you don't matter. Or when you tell yourself that you don't matter, rethink that. God thinks you matter. He chose you to be is child. Don't wish that you were someone different to please other people. The only person you need to please is God. He loves you just the way you are."Today as I walk into church I thought to myself, "I don't really want to be here." In the high school events, we had a special guest. At first she was singing some lame songs. Then she started to speak. She told us about how whenever she was younger, she felt that she didn't matter because of how she looked. All of the kids thought that she was weird. She came home crying, only wishing that she was like them. She told us that she wished that she could be different for somebody to like her. That's when I started to get quiet, and really listen. She mentioned that she needed to prove something to people, just for them to like her.As she was speaking, I thought of myself. I thought about how I feel like I have to prove something to people, to show people what I'm made of. I thought how I wish day and night that I could be something to him. More than just a friend. I thought about how I wish I could just change myself for him. For him to even notice me differently, notice me like a diamond in the rough. I thought about how I feel like I'm never good enough for my friends. I thought how there's always another girl, about how it's never me.Because of today, within an hour. I feel like a different person. I feel like I shouldn't change. If I were to change it would be for the better of myself and God. Not for somebody to take a double look at me. I feel like I'm a better person. I'll always have God in mind, He'll be with me every step I take. For that, I'm forever grateful.

I can't hurt you even though you hurt me.

I can't hurt you even though you hurt me. Plain & simple. I take so much shit from you without saying a word. I feel like I'm never good enough for you. Whatever I say, it doesn't matter to you. I go through so much shit for us to talk. I go against the rules with my dad. You told me that I was your hope. You told me that everything I say makes you feel better, bullshit. You were only saying those things is because you're a sweettalker. I feel like I'm the only person that will actually listen to you when you want to talk about *her. Its always other girls you want to talk about. The things you say to other girls you would never say to me. I shouldn't complain though. You call me every night, they call you. There's a difference. I mean, apart of me just wants to call it quits, & be like we shouldn't be friends. But, I promised you that I wouldn't leave. You're making it hard for me to stay.

Funny things is no matter how many times I complain about you or want to call it quits, every time I talk to you- you make me want to stay even more. You make me feel better about myself. I love the way you would call me every night. I love the way you say my name. I love the way you put your smiley faces in your texts. Everything. So, no matter how many times you hurt me, I could never hurt you.